Love & Relationships
Written by Bruce E. Palmer, MA LPCMH
THE COUPLES JOURNEY PART 2
The curious and interesting stages of growth experienced in the evolution of a loving committed relationship
A Couples Journey ( Part 1)
Written by Bruce Palmer M.A., L.P.C.M.H.,
We are all aware that the “Happy Ever After” endings to romantic comedies and fairy talestend to be filtered through rose colored glasses and are less than realistic approaches to long term loving, commitment and intimate relationship.
Written by Suzanne Eder
One of the truly great blessings of adulthood is that Valentine’s Day is no longer a thinly veiled popularity contest, a day when everyone drops cheap cards and candy hearts for their intended into a big box, and then waits with bated breath to see how many of those hopeful offerings have their name on them. I can remember glancing furtively around me every Valentine’s Day during my elementary school years as the cards were handed out, hoping upon hope that I didn’t have the smallest pile.From the sage perspective of adulthood, of course, I can see that Valentine’s Day is not a popularity contest – but as a single woman it certainly isn’t my favorite day of the year. If I’m not careful, the relentless gooeyness that assaults me from every media outlet can plunge me into flippancy, cynicism or – on a particularly bad day – despair. Not exactly the outlook I hope to share with my clients, more than a few of whom are longing for the intoxicating connection that is so unique to romantic love. Thankfully, I’ve discovered that it’s possible to shake off the muck of my own bad attitude and, in the stillness, reconnect with a deeper, kinder and far saner truth than my whiny ego has led me to believe.
Saying it with Flowers
Written by Lisa Sherwood
Loving Fearlessly
Written by Joe White
"Fortune favors the brave" and love is not for the faint of heart. Love is the timeless theme adorned in movies, song, and dance. Loving, losing love, and finding love shadows our lives. Most of us, if we are honest, desire love on the deepest level. We want to have someone with whom we can feel completely open, honest, and vulnerable. Yet through direct or indirect experience, we find a gap between our desire and our willingness to fulfill our desire. We share stories of how love has wronged us, how our heart was broken, or how we gave all and received less in return. So, in reaction to these experiences or perhaps in protection, we wrap ourselves with the belief that we don't need love, or that we can't find someone. Sometimes we just settle for something less than what we want and deserve to avoid potentially having nothing or no-one.
The Journey To Liberation Overcoming Our Two Core Fears.
Written by Joe White
They are within all of us. Two core fears. No matter how different we are or how different we think we are these fears are the same. They drive the actions we take and the actions we won't take. They can either shape us or imprison us. They define our existence and its quality. The two core fears that affect us all are: we are not enough and if we are not enough then we won't get what we really need, love.
Read more: The Journey To Liberation Overcoming Our Two Core Fears.
Written by Suzanne Eder
Years ago I was in love with a very intelligent, very accomplished and very logical engineer who had everything figured out that needed to be figured out, as most engineers do. (He was also very attractive, I might add, but that’s a story for another time.) We often engaged in conversations about the meaning of life and some of its messier emotions, and I remember asking him, “Do you love yourself?” He paused to give my question thoughtful consideration, but not for long. In short order he answered definitively that he did not and, further, that he didn’t want to love himself. He viewed not loving himself as a necessary motivation for continual self improvement. Loving himself, he believed, was akin to rationalizing and embracing all of his worst qualities, and that would not be acceptable. No, he preferred to withhold self love as a means of whipping himself into shape. It was far better, he reasoned, to never be satisfied; that way he would never become lazy.
I had such respect for this man’s intellect and powers of reasoning that I decided to agree with him. (Or maybe it was the attractiveness thing that distracted me from engaging my own powers of reasoning…who can say for sure?) His view on self love made a certain kind of sense, and it reinforced my very well-developed tendency toward crippling self criticism. Now, at least, I could see that my criticism was serving the higher purpose of continuous improvement – a noble goal, to be sur
Except that it was an exceptionally bad strategy. I did continue to criticize myself, noting with my practiced eye a number of areas that needed continuous improvement. But they didn’t really improve much. Where was that motivation he had promised would arise from not loving myself? The only part of me that seemed really motivated was my inner rebel, who offered impressive resistance to the critic’s demands. Lots of energy was consumed in the inner debate between what I should be doing and what I actually was doing. The inner conflict was depleting and I felt exhausted – lazy, I think, was the word that floated most readily into my awareness. Yet one more nasty quality I needed to eradicate in my self improvement program. I was going nowhere fast.
Thankfully, my inner longing for spiritual truth and sustenance was even greater than my drive for self improvement, and I began to reconsider the concept of self love. Slowly I came to the realization that, paradoxical as it initially seemed, it is our failure to love ourselves that gives rise to the very qualities we do not love in ourselves. Withholding self love reinforces the inner belief we each hold that, somehow, we are simply not enough. That there is something wrong with us. This belief may not be conscious, but its presence is still felt at a certain level of awareness and it is very, very painful. So painful, in fact, that we try to prove it wrong. And yet so familiar that we continually find ways to prove it right.
We prove it wrong by trying to convince ourselves that we are better than others, which gives rise to rather distasteful qualities such as arrogance and righteousness and criticism and insensitivity and blame…and maybe even lying and cheating and stealing. We prove it right by seeing ourselves only through the lens of self criticism, a lens notorious for creating grotesque distortions. When viewed through this lens, restful becomes lazy, introspective becomes socially inept, thoughtful becomes indecisive, optimistic becomes unrealistic, and the list goes on. We see and experience ourselves as a mixed bundle of things that need to be fixed or eradicated.
But the whole notion of fixing and eradicating arises from self judgment – a failure to love ourselves – and so we keep ourselves stuck in an impossible cycle where self judgment gives rise to defensive (or offensive!) behavior which gives rise to further self judgment. With all due respect to my former love, this simply isn’t logical.
And so we need a way out of this trap, and loving ourselves is the way out because not loving ourselves is what created the trap to begin with. And by “loving ourselves” I don’t mean lavishing ourselves with gooey praise and ignoring the hurt we may have inflicted on ourselves or others in that ridiculous cycle of judgment. What I mean by love is a simple and gracious level of acceptance – this is what is present in me and in my life right now. We step back from the inner conflict and stop feeding both the critic and the rebel. We create a little space to breathe. And then, with curiosity and kindness - and, with any luck, a little humor - we begin a gentle process of compassionate inquiry. We ask ourselves, “Who am I, really? What am I longing for? What are my true talents? What am I afraid of? What am I ready to let go of? What kind of support do I need from others? What strengths and inner resources do I have to support myself?” We take on the role of loving teacher and guide rather than harsh taskmaster, encouraging and inspiring ourselves to our greatest potential.
Now we’re in a whole new cycle, one that is enlivening rather than depleting. We explore, we expand, we evolve and we grow. We give ourselves permission to be who we truly are, and as we drop self judgment we realize we have no need for judgment at all. It was in trying to numb the pain caused by self judgment that we projected our judgment onto others. And so in loving ourselves – in accepting ourselves – we expand our capacity to accept and love others. We become the kind of person we really like. We fall away from self judgment and fall into love.
It’s all about relationship…
Written by Suzanne Eder
So I’m going about my life, happily expanding my business and spending quality time with friends and learning how to eat more healthfully and reading really good books, when all of a sudden I’m surrounded by people – friends, clients and, yes, even myself – who are dealing with “relationship issues.” It’s as if, all at once, the gods and goddesses of relationship have decided it’s time for us to heal those old wounds, already, and get on with the business of creating or deepening the relationships we really want.
Self Growth